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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29746332">i don't wanna reach out in the dead of night and find no one to hold me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/escapismandsharpobjects/pseuds/escapismandsharpobjects'>escapismandsharpobjects</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Prodigal Son (TV 2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>"I wish I had never given you a chance", Emotional Hurt/Comfort, FebuWhump2021, Gen, Gil is there but only a dream version, Night Terrors, it doen't have a Sad one but its not like. comforting i guess?, this does not have a happy ending, this is set before jessica finds out about the murder</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 22:01:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,429</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29746332</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/escapismandsharpobjects/pseuds/escapismandsharpobjects</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>febuwhump day 27: "i wish i had never given you a chance." malcolm has a nightmare about gil finding out what he and ainsley did to endicott, and calls the only person he can think of - his father.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Malcolm Bright &amp; Martin Whitly</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i don't wanna reach out in the dead of night and find no one to hold me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi! like it says in the tags this fic is set before jessica finds out about ainsley killing endicott, so earlier this season. i have never written martin before but tbh i had a fantastic time with it, but since it was my first time he may sound a little weird. hope you enjoy anyway! <br/>title from prodigal son by rationale which is my Ultimate Malcolm Song lmao</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“I…got rid of Nicholas Endicott.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You </span>
  <em>
    <span>what?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I mean, not </span>
  <em>
    <span>got rid of him</span>
  </em>
  <span> got rid of him, he was...all I did was chop up his dead body and get it shipped away.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But someone else killed him?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>He nods, swallows roughly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ainsley?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Another nod. He looks at Gil carefully, waiting anxiously to see some kind of reaction on his face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Gil just stares at him. “You hid a body for your sister. You covered up a </span>
  <em>
    <span>murder.” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Y-yeah. I didn’t...Gil, I didn’t know what else to do!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, I don’t know, maybe call the police? Say, </span>
  <em>
    <span>hey, my sister’s a murderer?</span>
  </em>
  <span> But no. That thought never even crossed your mind, did it? I bet the only thing that crossed your mind was that you were jealous Ainsley got to kill him, and not you. Is that right? You wish you’d killed him, don’t you? You </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted </span>
  </em>
  <span>to do it. To feel his blood on your hands while it was still warm. To -”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No!” Malcolm interrupts, feeling his hands start to shake. “No, I didn’t want to be the one that killed him! I’m not a murderer, Gil, and I have </span>
  <em>
    <span>never </span>
  </em>
  <span>wanted to be! You </span>
  <em>
    <span>know </span>
  </em>
  <span>that.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I do, do I? And you’ve never wanted to kill anyone?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No. Gil, I swear I’ve never -”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t believe you,” Gil interrupts, and he walks in a slow circle around Malcolm, like he’s evaluating him. He comes to a stop in front of Malcolm’s face after making a few circuits. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think you </span>
  <em>
    <span>did </span>
  </em>
  <span>want to kill him. I think you enjoyed butchering his dead body. Do you know what I </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>think, Malcolm?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Malcolm shakes his head, helpless against the onslaught. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think that you’re just like your father. I think he should’ve killed you when he had the opportunity. I think I never should have taken you under my wing. I wish I had never given you a chance. Look where it’s gotten you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Malcolm’s crying now, hands trembling at his sides. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s not true, none of it’s true, I did it to protect my sister, I did it for Ainsley…why can’t you understand?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Gil reaches out and pushes him away, and Malcolm feels himself falling, falling, falling, hears his voice echo above his head with a scream that seems to last forever and - </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then he’s jerking awake in bed, his wrists pulling at the restraints as he flies up into a sitting position. He spits out his mouthguard and fumbles with shaking hands to undo his restraints. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When he’s free, he doesn’t move, just sits curled up, chin to knees, in the middle of the bed. He tries to take deep breaths, tries to get his mind into some semblance of order, but he’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>terrified, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and the worst part is, it’s a completely logical, possible fear. Gil is going to find out, going to find out that Malcolm is an accomplice to murder, that he’s hidden it from everyone for all this time, that he really </span>
  <em>
    <span>is </span>
  </em>
  <span>no better than his father. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn’t know who to turn to. Obviously Gil is off the table, as is anyone else connected to the police. His mother doesn’t know, Ainsley thinks </span>
  <em>
    <span>he </span>
  </em>
  <span>did it, his father...he doesn’t really want to talk to him about this. But he can’t stop shaking, can’t stop the tears pouring down his face, can’t control his ragged breathing, can’t do much of anything on his own. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He calls his father. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My boy? It’s nearly three in the morning. Not that I’m not always glad to hear from you, but - Malcolm, are you all right?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>He takes a shuddering breath, sniffs, speaks quietly, in a shaking voice. “I can’t...I don’t have anyone else to call.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What about your mother? Or one of those people at the police station? Ooh, wait...is this about the...the</span>
  <em>
    <span> thing?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes.” This was </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>a good idea. What in the world is Martin Whitly going to be able to do for him? It’s not like he’s an expert in feeling guilty about murder. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did someone find out? Oh, was it Gil? Please don’t say it was him.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, no one found out. Yet.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, so it’s the </span>
  <em>
    <span>yet </span>
  </em>
  <span>that’s worrying you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t - I don’t think I can keep doing this. I mean, Ainsley’s starting to question it. What happens when she finds out? What happens if someone else finds out first? What if Gil finds out -”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His voice breaks on the last question, and he stops talking, considers hanging up completely. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nobody has found out yet. That’s not saying they </span>
  <em>
    <span>won’t,</span>
  </em>
  <span> but between you and me, I am something of an expert at this. But, look, Malcolm, we’ll figure it out, okay? No matter what happens. There’s nothing to worry about.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Of course there is,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Malcolm thinks desperately. It’s killing him, being alone with his father in this terrible secret. But there’s quite literally no one else to turn to, and it’s</span>
  <em>
    <span> horrible,</span>
  </em>
  <span> this neverending fear that the next thing someone says is going to be about Endicott’s murder, and </span>
  <em>
    <span>him,</span>
  </em>
  <span> and then Gil is going to say those words from his nightmare, and he is going to lose </span>
  <em>
    <span>every single person</span>
  </em>
  <span> he loves because he was trying to protect one of those same people…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Malcolm, you’re sounding a little...hyperventilate-y there. Try and take some deep breaths, nice and slow…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Despite himself, Malcolm obeys, trying to breathe in the pattern his father demonstrates over the phone. It helps more than he’d like to admit, and soon his breaths are evening out, and his heartbeat is slowing to a more normal speed, and the trembling in his hands is abating, and the tears are drying in cool tracks down his face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have no one to talk to about this,” he says, after a few minutes of breathing, his voice scratchy and low. “And if I do tell anyone, they’ll arrest me and never want to see me again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You have me,” his father says, sounding a bit offended. “I’ll always want to see you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But everyone </span>
  <em>
    <span>else </span>
  </em>
  <span>- how do you deal with that? With keeping something from everyone, knowing it would change </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything </span>
  </em>
  <span>if they found out.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His father sighs. “I don’t know, Malcolm. We are...different people in that respect. For me, it was very easy to compartmentalize the different aspects of my life. Family, work…</span>
  <em>
    <span>murder,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>he says, lowering his voice on the last word. “I could keep thoughts of one separate from thoughts of the other. I know it’s going to be difficult for you to do that, but you need to try. You need to keep this from being discovered, but you cannot constantly think about the outcome if it does. You just need to keep the secret, is all. Push it to the back of your mind.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m trying,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Malcolm thinks. </span>
  <em>
    <span>My mind keeps pushing it back at me.</span>
  </em>
  <span> But he doesn’t say that, knows his father won’t be able to offer much more help than what he’s already given. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks,” he says, instead, really wishing he </span>
  <em>
    <span>was </span>
  </em>
  <span>capable of following his father’s simple advice for more than just disposing of a body. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course, my boy. Now, how is your new case going? I hear there was a body -”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Malcolm hangs up, sets his phone down on the nightstand with a loud </span>
  <em>
    <span>thunk,</span>
  </em>
  <span> and flops backwards onto the bed, staring up at the dark ceiling. He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and tries to compartmentalize, tries to shove thoughts of murder and everyone he knows hating him into a box in the back corner of his mind. He then forces his thoughts on to happier topics, like the case his father had tried to bring up, and opens his eyes, shuffling out of bed to start his day at - he checks the time - three-thirty in the morning. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His hand starts to shake again as he brews some coffee, and he curls it into a fist until it stops, forcing thoughts of Gil hating him back into the box from which they are already beginning to escape. He can’t think like that - much as it pains him to admit it, his father had had a point. There </span>
  <em>
    <span>isn’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>anyone Malcolm can go to, save him, and he’s just going to have to learn to live with that fact. If not for his own protection and safety, then for Ainsley’s. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>has </span>
  </em>
  <span>to keep her safe, even if it means putting himself through hell. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He has no choice but to live with this secret.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thanks so much for reading this! i really hope you enjoyed it, it was a bit different to the stuff i usually write so therefore i am not sure whether it was any good but i hope it was! please tell me if you liked it? &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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